The Majestic Tale (of a madwoman in a Dalek)
by TheBigCat
Summary: This is just a bloody typical day. My friend's a Dalek, my other friends are divorcing, and the Dalek Parliament is pleading for my help. On top of all that, someone's blasting Carmen at top volume from her radio. Well, no one ever said being the Doctor was easy.
1. Part One

**This is an AU of Asylum of the Daleks.**

**NO WAIT DON'T RUN AWAY COME BACK NOW.**

**It has an interesting twist. I'm not using any more than five lines of the original dialogue here. It'll be fairly short- two parts plus a short coda- but I hope you will enjoy it. I won't tell you what the AU bit of it is; it'll spoil it.**

**If you liked it, please review!**

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><p><strong>The Majestic Tale (of a madwoman in a Dalek)<br>**

_**Part One**_

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><p>It was a dark night on the desolate, windy planet of Skaro. Plumes of smoke drifted up into the smog-covered sky, and the only sound was of creaking machinery. Rain drizzled down over a moss-covered statue of a complete and utter monster- a Dalek.<p>

A woman sat, hunched over in a black cloak, at the base of the statue. She didn't move. Not even a bit. The hood of the cloak covered her face, making her unrecognizable.

"I got your message," a man's voice said. She glanced sharply up. The hood slipped slightly, revealing a snatch of dirty brown hair. "Not many people can do that," he continued, stepping out into visibility. "Send me messages, I mean."

He was tall and had the look of slight awkwardness about him. His brown hair flopped sideways over his face, and his tweed jacket was pulled tightly about him. A bow tie was fixed about his neck. And his eyes... his eyes were as old as the universe, maybe even older.

"You came," the woman exclaimed, scrambling up.

"I always come," he replied, attempting to scrutinize her, underneath her cloak. "It's a very bad habit of mine I need to learn how to break. It would also be nice if I knew who you were."

Her body language had all the marks of sudden dejectedness. "You don't know me?"

He tilted his head, and straightened his coat. "Well, if you'll wear a cloak..."

The woman pulled the hood down, revealing an entirely unremarkable face, framed by straight, greasy hair. "Maybe you recognise me now... Professor."

The man's face did several very interesting acrobatics that would have come first in the Olympics if the event was looking shocked. "...my name's the Doctor," he managed. And then... "_Ace? _What happened?"

She shook her head. "There's no time for that, Doctor. The Daleks. I have a friend in the prison camps. Her name's Manisha. We have to get her out, or the Daleks will kill her."

He grabbed her arms, pulling them down. "How do you know her?"

"I was in the camp. I escaped. I had to find you."

He spun away, and paced around a few times, before wheeling back to her. "No."

The woman glared. "What do you mean, no?"

"I mean, no, I can't. I'm sorry, Ace. No one escapes the Dalek camps."

"I did," she protested. "You know me, Doctor. If anyone could have escaped, it would have been me."

"You're right," he acknowledged. "If anyone _had _escaped, it _would _be you. But the point still stands that _no one _escapes." He tapped her nose. "You're very cold."

"What does that have to do with-"

"And I know who Manisha is." He gazed intently into her eyes for a moment.

"Then you know we have to get her out!"

"No. I'm sorry, Ace, I'm so, so, sorry. But you're a trap."

She stared at him incredulously. "What do you mean, I'm a trap?"

"Manisha was your friend when you were ten. And she's dead. She died years ago."

He stepped back, as the woman's face grew blank.

There was a flash of blue light.

"_The Doctor has been acquired,_" said the woman's voice, distorted out of normal tones to a horrible, grating whine.

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><p><em>Snap!<em>

Amy Pond flung her hair to the side, and put on the moodiest expression she could muster..

_Snap!_

She was wearing the latest designer clothes that had come out, and had rather thick makeup on.

_Snap!_

An assistant was firing a blow dryer at her making her hair fly upwards, and she was currently posing on a staircase while cameramen took numerous shots of her

_Snap!_

She looked _gorgeous_.

_Snap!_

That wasn't to say she was actually enjoying it.

"Okay, take a break, everyone!" ordered the director of the magazine she worked for. "Pond- your husband wants to speak to you."

Amy stared into a mirror on the side of a cupboard, and tested her pout again. "I don't _have _a husband."

It wasn't true, of course. Legally, she was still married to Rory Arthur Williams.

The director snorted. "According to him, you still are. And if you want it to stay that way, by all means, stay right here."

Amy shrugged out of her designer shawl, and handed it off to an assistant. "I'll be right back."

She exited the room, and took the lift down two levels to her dressing room. Opening the door, she saw Rory standing, examining her many rows of nail polish.

"Why do you have so many?" he asked without looking up. "Do you need to wear a color every day or something?"

"Papers," she said without preamble, holding out a hand.

He withdrew the sheets from an inside pocket. They looked distinctly rumpled. Amy wiggled her fingers, clearly expecting him to hand them over.

"Amy," Rory said with a frown. "Are you entirely sure about-"

Losing patience, she leaned over and snatched them from his hand. Grabbing a hot pink pen from her desk, she quickly scribbled _Amelia Jessica Pond _on the dotted lines.

"That's _Miss Pond _to you," she snapped, handing them back. "Go away. I'm working."

"Amy..."

"GO."

He sent her that look (_the one that looked like a lost puppy dog_) and finally, _finally _left.

She was alone in the dressing room now.

Amy sighed out, and sagged into a chair.

"When did my life get so annoying?" she asked herself out loud.

There was a knock on her door.

"_What now?_" she hissed.

A woman peeked in. "Hello." She spoke with a distinctive London accent.

"What do you want? If it's another marriage proposal, I've _already said _I don't like girls-"

"No, it's about the Doctor." She opened the door fully, and stepped in. "He's in trouble."

Amy spun around. "I'm Amy. What happened to him this time?"

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><p>Amy burst out of the front door. "RORY!"<p>

He turned halfway, from where he was about to step onto the bus. "I thought you weren't talking to me."

She screeched to a stop a few paces away from him, panting. "No time for that. This is Ace," she pointed behind her. "and the Doctor's in trouble."

Rory stared.

"I don't look _that _bad, do I?" she patted herself down. "Did my mascara smear or something?"

He raised one hand and pointed behind her. "Dalek."

Amy didn't bother looking. She hit the ground while a bolt of blue energy soared over her head. Being with the Doctor had taught her that, at least.

The bolt of light hit Rory instead, who instantly crumpled. She scrambled over to him, desperately feeling for a pulse the way he had taught her.

_He was still alive._

That was the last thought she had, before another beam of light struck her in the back and she passed out too.

"_Amelia Pond and Rory Williams have been acquired,_" said the grating, mechanical voice.


	2. Part Two

**Welcome back! I have nothing to say here, except "please review!"**

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><p><strong>The Majestic Tale (of a madwoman in a Dalek)<br>**

_**Part Two**_

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><p>Rory blinked.<p>

And blinked again. What he was seeing didn't make any sense.

He was lying on a blank empty space, next to a still-unconscious Amy. And next to her, sitting on apparently nothing, was...

"Doctor!" he exclaimed.

The man in question gave him a small wave and a smile. "Hello, Rory."

"What- what are-"

"We doing here? Yes, that's a very good question. I missed you, Rory Pond." The Doctor gave him a wry grin. "You're the one with all the questions! Questions, questions, questions!"

"You're supposed to be the one with all the answers," Rory pointed out. "And you don't seem to be answering anything."

"Ah, yes. Answers." The Time Lord grimaced. "Unfortunately, today, I'm all out."

Amy stirred weakly on the ground, and moaned. Both of the men immediately rushed to her side.

"Amy?" Rory said gently. "Are you alright?"

She groaned, and mumbled something.

Rory and the Doctor glanced at each other.

"Sorry, what was that?" asked the Doctor.

"I _said_," Amy pulled herself quickly to her feet, and dragged herself back a few steps. "I _will _be, as soon as _you _get away from me!"

The Doctor looked hurt. "What did I do?"

Rory sighed, and sat down with a bump. "She's talking to me."

The Doctor snapped his fingers together a few times, glanced between Rory and Amy. "Lover's spat?"

"...you could say that," admitted Rory.

A large hole opened in the empty nothingness, admitting a single Dalek with green roundels and bronze metal in.

"_You will come with us,_" it blared.

The Doctor didn't look at all surprised, only a bit grim. "Right then," he said, crossing his arms casually. "Take me to your leaders."

He didn't sound the least bit cheery about it.

"You knew that the Daleks were involved?" Amy asked, stumbling a little as she attempted to keep in pace with the Doctor's fast walk.

He kept his gaze focused on the Dalek in front of them. They were being led down a long hallway that was completely white, just like the room, and rather hard to see properly in. "Well, when an old friend requests to meet you on a Dalek planet, informs you that she needs help rescuing a friend from a Dalek prison camp, then turns out to be a Dalek herself... which, to be honest, wasn't very nice of her... yes, you could say that I knew they were involved."

The Dalek approached a pair of metal doors, crudely made, and out of place in the scene. It pressed its plunger against a pad, and the doors swung open.

"Geronimo," said the Doctor quietly, and followed the Dalek through the doors. Rory and Amy hurriedly followed.

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><p>Surprisingly, the Doctor didn't focus on the thousands upon thousands of Daleks arranged in neat little lines on the grotesque parody of a football grandstand. He didn't focus on the disgusting creature in a glass jar that was the equivalent of the Dalek Emperor. He didn't even focus on his TARDIS, that stood proudly and defiantly at the far end of the clearing he was currently in.<p>

He strode straight up to the ordinary-looking woman that was in the middle of it all, looking calm and unconcerned.

"Do you even remember who you are?" he asked.

"I am a Dalek. I serve the Dalek empire," she replied in a voice that completely suited her demeanor.

Rory started. "But that's..."

"...Ace," Amy completed. "That's the girl who turned into a Dalek."

The Doctor gripped her shoulders. "You're Ace McShane. You make Nitro Nine, and I tell you not to carry it around. You are _not _a Dalek."

A spark of electricity flashed along the-girl-who-was-Ace's collarbone, and the Doctor let go as if he was shocked.

"Do not touch me again," Ace said matter-of-factly. "I was Dorothy McShane once. No longer."

"I am the Doctor!" he said, his tone rising. "Don't you know who I am?"

"You are the Doctor," Ace echoed. "You are the enemy of the Daleks. You must be exterminated."

The Doctor reacted, striding back to stand in front of Amy and Rory protectively.

"But first," the Woman-Dalek continued. "We require your services."

There was a long, long silence.

And then the Doctor began to laugh. "My services!" he spluttered. "What would you possibly need me to do that you couldn't do for yourself?"

"We require your assistance," Ace said. "You will help us."

"_You will help us,_" all the other Daleks began chanting. And there was an awful lot of them. The noise rattled around the grand chamber. "_You will help us_." The noise was deafening.

"_You will help us. You will help us. You will help us._"

Rory and Amy looked at the Doctor in utter shock. He looked back at them with the same expression, only with a touch of childish happiness.

"I am the Doctor," he said, a maniac smile beginning to drift across his face. "I've lived for a _thousand years! _I've seen many incredible things! But the one thing I've never seen is a entire parliament of Daleks begging me for help!" His eyes glowed with glee, and he raised his hands up above his head. "I can tick _one more thing _off my bucket list!"

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><p>The Doctor was pacing again, which meant that there was something wrong. Rory watched him nervously, and Amy's eyes kept flicking from the massive legions of Daleks to the grotesque Emperor.<p>

"So, let me get this straight," the Time Lord said eventually, wheeling around to stare at the Emperor. "You want _me_," he pointed at himself. "to go down to _that _planet," he pointed out the window to a desolate planet outside. "to do _what_, exactly?"

"_We require you to go to the Asylum to seal the matrix surrounding it,_" grated the Emperor.

Rory raised a hand tentatively, and the Doctor pointed at him. "Yes, Mr Pond?"

He chose to ignore the misplaced use of his surname, and asked a question instead. "What exactly is the Asylum?"

"Ooh! Good question! Brilliant question, in fact! I now realize how much I've missed you and your questions." He turned to the Daleks with an expectant look. "Well, you heard the man. What's the Asylum?"

It was the Ace-Dalek that answered. "It is the place where we keep all our rejects; our outcasts."

"What," interrupted Amy. "You don't just destroy them?"

The Doctor shook his head. "No, they wouldn't do that, would they? For them, hatred is beauty."

"Correct," Ace said.

Amy visibly shuddered.

The Doctor gave a short, barking laugh. "And why should I help you? You've taken my friend here," he pointed at Ace. "You've hollowed out her memories, you took everything that she was and made it into you." He crossed his arms and stared at the Emperor. "You _disgust _me. Every time we've met, you've tried to kill me, or destroy the universe. And I'll ask you again. Why should I help you?"

"We need you," Ace stated simply.

The Doctor punched a wall, hard.

And then Carmen began to play.


	3. Coda

**Welcome back. For this, assume that the rest of Asylum of the Daleks continued as normal. This picks up straight after the Doctor realizes who Oswin is. Thanks for reading, and don't forget to review!  
><strong>

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><p><strong>The Majestic Tale (of a madwoman in a Dalek)<br>**

**Part Three**

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><p><em>After the running...<em>

"THEN RUN," grated the Dalek who was Oswin Oswald.

"What did you say?" the Doctor looked shocked.

"I'VE TAKEN DOWN THE FORCEFIELD," she/it said. "THE DALEKS ABOVE HAVE STARTED THEIR ATTACK. RUN!"

The Doctor began to run, then paused and looked back. "Oswin, are you-?"

"I AM OSWIN OSWALD," she said proudly, as much as a Dalek could be proud. "I FOUGHT THE DALEKS! I AM HUMAN! REMEMBER ME!"

The Doctor smiled. "Thank you, Oswin. It was good knowing you."

"RUN," she said. "AND CHECK ON YOUR FRIEND. I THINK I'VE HELPED HER."

The Doctor ran.

"Run, you clever boy," the female, un-Dalek voice of Oswin floated from the speakers. "And remember me."

The Doctor ran directly into Amy and Rory as the Daleks began to attack. They were kissing. He covered his eyes. "Oh. Okay. Ew. Stop that. Stop that, now. The planet is being destroyed."

They broke apart. Rory looked at him. "Where's Oswin?"

He grimaced. "It didn't work out. You know how it goes. Long story short, she was a Dalek." He slapped the teleport button. "Come on, come _on!_"

The teleport activated just as the explosives came down.

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><p>Back in the Dalek Parliament, it was complete chaos. Daleks rocked back and forth, talking in their robotic monotone. They were all staring at the blue box that had suddenly materialized in the center of their council. They had no idea what it was.<p>

No one noticed the small, brown-haired girl that was sitting up from the ground, blinking in confusion.

"WHAT IS THIS?" asked the Prime Minister. "EXPLAIN! EXPLAIN!"

"Hello!" the Doctor poked his head around the door. "I'm the Doctor! But of course, you know that! I'm just here to pick up something you stole from me! Very naughty, you know. Stealing."

"TITLES ARE NOT RELEVANT IN THIS CONTEXT."

"Oh, come on," the Doctor scoffed. "You know who I am. The Doctor? Your sworn enemy? No?"

"Doctor?" Ace asked. He spun around, and his eyes gleamed.

"Oh. _Oh. _OH!" he ran over, and hugged her tight. "Oswin Oswald! I could kiss you!" He turned back to the Daleks. "I'm the Doctor. And you will never figure out who I am!"

He dragged Ace quickly into the TARDIS, ignoring her look of surprise. "Come on, Ace! We have worlds to explore! Just wait until you meet River, she'll love you! On second thoughts, don't meet River. It would be horrific. You two would destroy the Earth in five minutes flat."

"DOCTOR WHO?" the Daleks chanted as the TARDIS began to materialize. "DOCTOR WHO?"

Inside, the Doctor grinned. "Exactly," he murmured.


End file.
